Okay so last week I got this dumb idea – why not make my own monthly horoscope report for my blog? Everyone’s doing those star sign things, right? Figured I could mash up some old school astrology with my random daily crap data. Here’s how THAT train wreck went down.

The Grand Plan That Immediately Fell Apart

First thing Monday morning I grabbed my dusty astrology books – the ones my hippie aunt gave me. Dust flew everywhere, made me sneeze like crazy. Thought I’d be smart and mix planetary stuff with my Google Calendar appointments and Fitbit data. “Gemini season plus high step count means networking!” or whatever. Sounded simple.

Started scribbling notes in my cheap dollar store notebook:

• Taurus : Tracked that I ate the same turkey sandwich 8 workdays straight
• Leo : Counted how many times I complained about meetings
• Scorpio : Obsessively monitored my plant’s growth (RIP Basil #3)

The Tech Nightmare Phase

Tried coding a “mood pattern analyzer” using Python scripts. Total disaster. My laptop fan sounded like a jet engine within 10 minutes. Got confused between moon phases and my spreadsheet’s pie charts. Data looked like spaghetti thrown against the wall.

Then I tried making visual horoscope cards. Dragged star clipart into Canva. Ended up with neon pink Aries graphics that looked like radioactive cotton candy. Couldn’t figure out gradients so Virgo just had sad grey blocks. Spilled cold brew ALL over my keyboard when the cat jumped up. Dried it with rice like the internet says – now keys stick when I type “Aquarius”.

Accepting Defeat (Sort Of)

After three days fighting stupid tech problems, I gave up and did it old school. Stared at my chicken scratch notes, looked at MAY 2025 dates circled in red, and just WROTE whatever came to mind:

• “Cancers: Your energy’s shifting faster than my wifi signal. Ditch the sour cream.”
• “Sags: Stop overthinking that group text. They’re not ignoring you, they’re probably asleep.”
• “Capricorns: Don’t trust people who bring jello salads to potlucks. They make bad choices.”

Printed it crookedly on recycled paper. Scanned it holding my phone while balancing on one foot (don’t ask). Posted the ugly PDF anyway and called it “artisanal human curated astrology”. One subscriber emailed saying it was “charmingly chaotic”. I’ll take it.

Final takeaway? Making horoscopes is HARD. Next month I’m just writing predictions on sticky notes and taking blurry photos. Maybe doodle a lizard wearing sunglasses. People like lizards.