So today I decided to figure out how to read my horoscope without getting a headache. Seriously, that tiny newspaper print and weird symbols? Forget it. Here’s exactly what I did:

The Messy Start

First, I grabbed my phone at 7 AM, still half-asleep. Opened some astrology app I downloaded ages ago. Scrolled through ads for crystals and tarot readings – ugh. Finally found the daily horoscope section. Saw “Scorpio” and… paragraphs of fluffy nonsense like “Embrace cosmic energy!” Zero help. Closed that junk immediately.

Step-by-Step Battle

Then I remembered my scribbled notes from last month:

• Step 1: Ignore generic websites. Those tell you “great day for love!” every single day. Ripped that paper right outta my notebook.
• Step 2: Find ONE source. Picked that brown leather journal grandma gave me. Wrote “NOV 24 ONLY” at the top so I wouldn’t get distracted.
• Step 3: Only read TWO things. Saw online that Mercury’s in retrograde (again?) and the moon’s in Pisces. That’s it. Didn’t even Google what that means.
• Step 4: Ditch long predictions. Crossed out three paragraphs in my journal with thick black marker. Only left “Expect tech glitches – charge devices early.”
• Step 5: Make it stupid simple. Wrote on my bathroom mirror with dry-erase: “☿️🔁 ≠ computer happy. 🔋📱!”

The Embarrassing Win

Funny thing – my phone DID die at 3PM meeting. But because of my dumb mirror note? I’d charged it to 100%. Boss nodded at me like I’m some genius. Total fluke.

Now why trust my dumb method? Last year, some psychic hotline told me I’d meet tall dark stranger. Instead I tripped over my own basset hound in the dark and broke my toe. From that day? I only do horoscopes that take less time than brewing coffee. Five steps. Done.