Alright so yesterday I saw this horoscope love advice floating around for December 11th, right? Figured why not try it myself tonight. Total experiment mode. Grabbed my phone first thing after work while waiting for the bus, scrolling through those tips. First one: “Initiate conversation with warmth in your tone.” Ugh, sounds like customer service voice but okay, challenge accepted.
Phase 1: Pre-Game Prep
Stopped at that overpriced coffee shop near my apartment – you know the one with the weird abstract art. Ordered a vanilla latte (tip #4 said “indulge in sweet flavors to attract sweetness” – made me roll my eyes but whatever). Practiced smiling at the barista like a creep while waiting. Felt ridiculous holding that smirk. Paid extra for oat milk because horoscope mentioned “nurturing energy” or some nonsense. Wallet cried a little.
Phase 2: Execution Disaster
Met up with Jamie at that dimly lit pizza place. Tip #2 said “lean forward slightly to show interest”. Leaned in during their story about their cat vomiting hairballs. Spilled lukewarm latte on their jeans. Absolute. Disaster. Panic-laughed like a hyena while mopping it up with napkins. Jamie looked mortified.
Then remembered tip #3: “Ask open-ended questions about their passions.” Went with:
- “So uh… what excites you lately?”
- (They stared blankly)
- “Like… hobbies? Or… existential dread?”
Got a rant about tax paperwork. Horoscope 0, Reality 1.
Phase 3: Desperate Moon Phase Gambit
Last ditch effort: Tip #5 mentioned “tonight’s moon encourages bold gestures”. Paid for the burnt pizza slices (their treat turned into my apology meal). Walked them home awkwardly. Saw their porch light flickering. Blurted: “You know in horoscopes they say flickering lights mean… cosmic energy?” They unlocked their door extra fast. Got a “text me when you’re home safe!” (translation: please leave).
Why This Probably Backfired
Look, horoscopes are fun like fortune cookies. But following them like an instruction manual? Recipe for cringe. Burned my tongue on that overpriced latte, smelled like burnt vanilla all night, and learned more about feline digestion than anyone should. Jamie texted this morning: “Friends shouldn’t spill drinks on friends 😂”. Translation: We’re platonic forever now. At least the pizza was decent. Moon can keep its “bold gestures”.
