So this morning I’m scrolling through my phone, right? Saw this horoscope app notification blinking like crazy – “CHECK NOV 23 HOROSCOPE! URGENT FATE UPDATE!” Like c’mon, who falls for this stuff? But my coffee hadn’t kicked in yet so I clicked. Big mistake.

The Dumb Experiment

First thing that pops up says Jupiter’s in some weird position, telling me to “embrace unexpected opportunities.” Whatever that means. So I grabbed my notebook – the one with pizza stains – and decided to actually follow whatever nonsense it suggested today. Step-by-step.

Phase 1: The Morning Ritual

• Lit this cheap sage stick I bought at a flea market (app said “clear negative energy”)
• Chanted “opportunity find me” three times facing east (my cat looked terrified)
• Wore mismatched socks for “luck alignment”

My whole apartment smelled like burnt lawn clippings. Wife walked in coughing, asked if I’d lost my mind. Probably.

The “Fateful” Afternoon

App insisted I should say YES to any unexpected requests. So when Dave from accounting asked if I could cover his shift cleaning the office fish tank? I said yes. Ended up elbow-deep in slimy water when the regional manager walked by.

“Why are YOU doing this?” he asked. Told him Jupiter made me do it. He just blinked slowly like I’d grown two heads. Pretty sure HR’s getting involved now.

So Why November 23rd?

Oh right – apparently Mercury retrograde ended yesterday or something? Honestly I stopped reading when it started talking about “cosmic realignments.” Main takeaway: today’s horoscope basically told me to be a doormat for “karmic rewards.”

Ended my “experiment” when the app suggested I buy “lucky crystals” from their pop-up ad. Nope. Stuck my “lucky” socks in the laundry, opened all the windows to clear the smoke smell, and drank coffee straight from the pot.

Verdict? Horoscopes are like horoscopes. Last time I checked one seriously was in 2012 when it said “financial windfall coming!” That was the month my car transmission died. Fate’s secrets? Yeah right. My only secret is how I haven’t deleted that stupid app yet.