Okay, so yesterday pulled cards about my current… uh… situation. You know the one. Felt kinda stuck, things feeling harder than they needed to be with my partner. And bam, the Nine of Wands shows up. But upside down. Reversed. Honestly? My gut just sank a little.

I stared at the card, this guy leaning on his stick looking totally worn out and suspicious, but flipped. It just screamed “defensive vibes on overload.” Like that feeling when you’re so tired of arguing or feeling misunderstood that you just shut down, or worse, lash out first. Thought, “Damn, is that me?”

Seeing It In Action (Mostly Mine)

Later that evening, my partner just asked a simple question about weekend plans. Instead of just answering normally, I caught myself getting all bristly. Inside, my head was spinning: “Here we go again, another demand, never happy,” all that garbage. My voice got kinda tight. I could actually feel myself putting up walls, just like the guy in the card with his wall of sticks – except mine felt flimsy and exhausting to hold up.

Went to bed feeling like crap about it. Didn’t sleep great. Kept thinking about that stupid card. Next morning, after the usual blurry coffee ritual, I sat down and forced myself to actually look at what this reversed Nine of Wands might really be saying about my part in this.

Digging Deeper (The Messy Part)

Didn’t go for complicated interpretations. Just thought about what “defense mode on constant high alert” actually feels like in my relationship right now:

• Seeing everything my partner says or does as a potential attack or criticism, even if it totally isn’t.
• Holding onto past crap like ammunition, ready to fire it back in the next disagreement.
• Feeling so tired of trying that I either blow up over tiny things, or totally retreat.
• Thinking I’m the only one putting in any effort, the only one struggling.

Ouch. Yeah. That landed pretty hard. Felt like I was looking in a particularly unflattering mirror. The reversed card wasn’t about him being the enemy; it was about me feeling battered and acting like everything was the next potential battle.

Trying to Put the Stick Down

Okay, awareness sucks sometimes. But sitting with that gross feeling, I knew I had to try something different before this constant siege mentality poisoned everything. Later that day, same partner, same kinda conversation about chores or something mundane.

Felt that familiar defensiveness start to rise. Throat tightening, shoulders tensing. But this time, I paused. Took a deep breath, kinda awkward. Instead of snapping “Why are you always on my case?” I heard myself say, kinda quietly, “Okay. Can you say that differently? It made me feel like you were mad at me.”

It wasn’t perfect. It felt clunky. My partner looked surprised, maybe confused for a second. But then… they actually tried again. It didn’t magically fix anything, but the air felt a little less thick with suspicion. I wasn’t carrying that imaginary stick quite as ready to swing.

Not Fixed, But Noticed

Look, I’m not suddenly an enlightened relationship guru. That defensiveness still pops up constantly. Recognizing the reversed Nine of Wands was like getting a flashing warning light for my own prickly behavior. It forced me to look at how I’m fighting my way through interactions instead of actually connecting.

The fight isn’t just “out there.” When this card flips, a big part of the battle is feeling hopeless and suspicious inside. And yeah, maybe some situations genuinely are difficult, but piling on my own hyper-defensiveness? That’s making everything ten times harder. Practice isn’t making perfect, but maybe it’s making it a little less exhausting to keep trying.